Impending Alien Invasion! You can Bet on That!

by Mike Allen - 8/29/2023

It's just a matter of time at this point, right? After multiple sightings and abduction stories, has the United States government finally admitted that there is something else in the universe besides human life?

If so, what? Can we get some details? Is this going to be like the JFK files that were sealed up and barely released, only to be sealed up again?

There is always the Joe Rogan Podcast if we want to stir up some conspiracies. He had a scientist on there who had previously worked at Area 51, and that guy was spilling all of the beans.

Today will be fun because we have betting odds on the color of the first confirmed alien. We also have betting lines on where they will land and who will be abducted first.

The Good Ole USA is currently the betting favorite to be the first landing spot. I know we like to be first in almost everything, but this could be a bet we don't want to win.

Let's quickly cover what we know and promptly move on to our predictions for the alien invasion.

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The Facts

We don't have any solid "facts" other than former Pentagon and DoD employees blowing the whistle on things they have seen over the years.

Navy pilots testified before Congress that they had seen multiple aircraft that were undoubtedly other-worldly.

Our country's lawmakers have vowed to investigate this matter, but this is above their pay grades.

Let's be honest. I think there are aliens. You think so, too. So, let's have some fun predicting how this first invasion and abduction will go down.

The sportsbooks may try to claim an international emergency and freeze your account if E.T. cruises into their offices with a laser gun and a smile, but let's make these predictions anyway.

Color of the First Confirmed Alien on Earth

Unknown to the Human Eye: +250

Green: +400

Yellow: +500

Blue: +600

Black: +600

Purple: +600

Red: +800

White: +800

I remember a visit from NASA in 3rd grade. We had an assembly, and the man asked what we thought the first alien would look like.

He said they are most likely to look quite similar to us. How does that help us here, though? Members of the human race come in many different colors.

Most reports of alien sightings have described aliens as little green men. For this reason, we have to go green.

It’s also generally the color of reptiles. More on those people in a moment.

Pick: Green: +400

Which Country Will Be Invaded by Aliens First?

USA: +1200

Russia: +1200

North Korea: +1400

Thailand: +1600

France: +1600

Colombia: +1600

Egypt: +3300

Canada: +2500

It's not always about America. So, let's move on from these modest odds of just 12 to 1.

Russia? I don't think so. Putin is a former KGB agent, and there are weaker countries and leaders to mess with.

Thailand is a real possibility, especially if the aliens are getting bored with their born parts. Can you imagine ladyboy aliens?

Thailand is the only Southeast Asian country never colonized, though. They would put up a fight.

Speaking of putting up a fight, what about France? They're known for that, right?

You can get either the French or Thailand for 16 to 1.

Colombia is a beautiful country with some beautiful bodies.

Most sketches of aliens are almost stick figures. Everyone has a back and a crack but no booty. Maybe the extraterrestrials want to grow their glutes, and I can't think of a better place to go than Medellin, as it is the world's capital for natural and fake bums.

Egypt? For (+3300)? Take my money. I've watched enough Joe Rogan to believe the aliens built the Great Pyramids. So, why wouldn't they make Cairo their first stop on their return to Earth?

Canada could happen if the aliens want a warm welcome. With wide open spaces for activities to boot, the great white north could be their answer.

Egypt is the play, though.

Pick: Egypt: +3300

Who Will Be Abducted by Aliens in 2023?

Donald Trump: +2000

Joe Biden: +2200

Keanu Reeves: +2500

Kim Jong Un: +2500

Jeff Bezos: +3300

Tom Cruise +4000

Elon Musk: +4000

Kanye West: +5150

Mike Tyson: +10000

Mia Khalifa: +10000

Starting at the top is the busiest man in the U.S. Judicial System, former President of the United States, Donald Trump. No doubt he's a polarizing and famous man, but I would never use the word interesting to describe him.

The guy is an open book and has been his entire life. That's what a lot of people like about him.

I believe aliens are more intelligent than us, though. I don't know why, but I hope so. Would they really abduct The Donald before someone like Elon Musk?

Joe Biden? Unless they want to study the deterioration of the human brain or investigate the strength of American medicine in keeping this guy alive, I don't think "insert adjective here" Joe will be the aliens' first option.

Kim Jung Un? Wow, we are going from one legendary world leader to the next. Forgive me for wasting your time. Aliens don’t care about North Korea, either.

Jeff Bezos comes in at 33 to 1. Many have said this guy is a reptile. While that may be true, 100% of those people are talking out of their behinds.

Tom Cruise is 40-1 to be the first human abducted by aliens, and let's pretend Scientology is the way of the world. The man who created it was a science fiction author. Maybe L. Ron Hubbard returns from the dead to take Tom on the ride of his life.

Kanye West is a genius, and like the Thailand transitions, it's possible aliens are interested in our music.

It says here that Mia Khalifa pays out at 100-1. Never heard of her.

They could be coming for Mike Tyson. I don't know if you guys have listened to him talk lately, but someone we once thought was a simpleton is truly a wise man.

His experiences through crime, poverty, fighting, fame, jail, and powerful psychedelics have shaped a unique mind that aliens might be interested in exploring.

Iron Mike, final answer.

Pick: Mike Tyson: +10000

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