A – Alabama Teabagger. Brian Downing, a 32-year old Alabama fan, has been discovered to be the famous Alabama teabagger caught on video exposing his genitals and rubbing them on an LSU fan's face. That Tigers fan was hammered drunk and passed out at a store on Bourbon Street following the National Championship. A video of the incident went viral and Downing’s balls were eventually recognized and he has since been arrested.

B – Burger King. Fast food joint Burger King now delivers. In unrelated news Albert Haynesworth is now listed as doubtful for the entire 2012 NFL season.

C – Cougars. Corner Canyon High School, set to open in Utah in fall 2013, has rejected the mascot name of Cougars, because it might be offensive toward women. Students had voted on proposed nicknames for their schools and 23 percent voted for Cougars. First of all, what do you expect when you leave it up to students to vote? Second of all, what women finds the term ‘cougar’ offensive? Third of all, Corner Canyon High School is in Utah, where religious-crazy BYU is located and you know what BYU’s mascot is? Cougars! Instead the school has adopted the nickname Chargers, which could be offensive to cell phones or Philip Rivers.

D – Dez Bryant. The Cowboys lost their regular-season finale to the Giants to avoid reaching the playoffs. So instead of preparing for playoff football, Dallas wide receiver Dez Bryant spent his time in January starting a fight in a club in Miami and subsequently being detained by Miami police. That kind of sets the tone for his offseason right there.

E - ESPN. ESPN college football talking head Craig James is proving to be a worse politician than a football analyst. His ill-fated run for a Texas U.S. Senate seat is facing the classic Catch 22, according to experts. He is largely unknown and among the people who do know him, he is unpopular.

F – Five Million Dollars. Rapper Birdman unleashed this rambling tweet this week, "I like New ENGLaNd. my nephew play RB# 42.I'm Bet 5million 2 any ni---.like tha Giants YMCMB.BabyMoney anybody kan Getit." Someone was able to translate this and apparently it means Birdman will wager $5 million on the Patriots in the Super Bowl because his nephew BenJarvus Green-Ellis plays for the Pats. Birdman pulled a similar stunt when he wagered $1 million on the Packers last Super Bowl and won. If the tweet had been a little more coherent maybe it would have been enough to move the line.

G- Gus Johnson. You can put him on a channel that nobody gets and the Gus Johnson alert still works. Anytime the crazed over-caffeinated, possibly intoxicated Johnson is calling a game, an upset or crazy ending is bound to happen. Now on the Big Ten Network, Johnson called back-to-back upset losses by Indiana, who was ranked in the Top 10. He called a Hoosiers home loss to Minnesota on a last second shot and last week he called Nebraska’s 70-69 upset win over Indiana.

H – Hope Solo. A leg injury could keep goalkeeper Hope Solo out of the Olympics and could keep thousands of men's attention away from the games, too. Solo, the U.S. women's national team smoking hot goalie, is recovering from a pulled right quad.

I – Indianapolis. With Peyton Manning being shown the door any day now in Indianapolis, it appears his future employment has been secured. Manning's, a 210-seat sports-themed restaurant with an outdoor bar, 30 TVs and Manning memorabilia everywhere, recently opened on Fulton Street in New Orleans.

J – Jersey City. A congressman from Jersey City, Charles Mainor, took to Facebook to hurl insults at fellow NFC East rivals. Mainor posted on his Facebook Sunday after his Giants upset the Packers that, “We are not going to just lay down, we come to play. Who the hell do you think we are the DALLAS COWGIRLS OR THOSE GAYBIRDS FROM PHILLY…NO WE ARE THE NEW YORK GIANTS.” Mainor claimed to have written all of it except the ‘Gaybirds’ part. That was apparently the best story he could come up with.

K- Kirkpatrick, Dre. Alabama cornerback Dre Kirkpatrick declared for the NFL Draft last week and was high on everybody’s big board, as he was projected to be a first-rounder. Well, turns out, Kirkpatrick was literally high. He was arrested this week for possession of marijuana by the Manatee County Sheriff’s office.

L – LaDainian Tomlinson. Running back LaDainian Tomlinson was recently quoted on Showtime as saying the Jets locker room is, "as bad as I've ever been around, honestly." After watching that Rex Ryan Pepsi Max commercial, I would have to agree.

M –Moyer, Jamie. The Colorado Rockies have signed 49-year old Jamie Moyer to a minor league deal because sending a 49-year old pitcher out in Coors Field just sounds like a great idea.

N – NBA. The NBA continues to defy the principles of supply and demand. Even with the lockout causing there to be less games this year (aka supply) there is somehow less people in the stands (aka demand). StubHub routinely boasts tickets for less than $5. A recent Pistons-Timberwolves game had tickets priced at 95 cents each. If you sold a few million of those you could pay Ben Gordon's salary.

O – Opie and Anthony. Radio talk show hosts Opie and Anthony have offered Kris Jenner $250,000 to take a DNA test to dispel rumors that Khloe Kardashian was not fathered by the late Robert Kardashian. The rumors stem from the fact that Kim and Khloe Kardashian are smoking hot while their sister Khloe is, well to put it nicely, not. Kris Jenner denied the offer so our only hope now is “Maury”.

P – Penn State. New Penn State football Coach Bill O’Brien has announced that he will be on the sideline during games and call offensive plays. It is the first time a Penn State head coach will actually coach during the game since the 1990s.

Q – Quinn, Brady. During the Broncos beat down loss to the New England Patriots in the AFC Divisional Round, Tim Tebow suffered torn rib cartilage, a bruised lung and fluid buildup in the pleural cavity. Basically, the Patriots defense did to Tebow what he has yet to do a woman. The injuries are interesting because if God has his way and the Broncos came back to upset New England somehow, does that mean Brady Quinn would have been the starting quarterback in the AFC Championship Game?

R – Rob Lowe. On Wednesday of last week Rob Lowe decided to tweet that Peyton Manning was ready to retire. Colts owner Jim Irsay is a close friend of Lowe, so it wasn’t completely off the wall. The tweet gained Lowe a few thousand followers and even got #RobLoweIsReporting to trend on Twitter. It was eventually proven false. Irsay, an NFL owner, decided to tweet this, “My sources tell me Rob will star in an epic remake of “Deep Throat” with aging porn stars and 4 finger circus clowns!” You can’t make these things up.

S –Sapp, Warren. Christopher Ellis, a 49-year old Floridian decided to choke out his 37-year-old wife after she commented that Warren Sapp seemed nice while the couple was watching football. Ellis shoved his wife into a bedroom, pinned her to the bed, began to choke her and even threatened to knock her teeth out. I blame Sapp for this.

T – Thomas, Steve. Professional golfer Steve Thomas was one of 40 men arrested under suspicious of solicitation of minors for sex in an undercover operation that was creepily called “Operation Red Cheeks.” Thomas was chatting with a woman about having sex with the woman’s 13-year old daughter. Thomas eventually agreed to meet the teen and, oddly enough, he even sent her photos of himself golfing. What a turn on. When police searched Thomas’ SUV, they found three condoms, two packages of chocolate pudding and a bottle of honey. This begs a ton of questions. I mean the girl is 13, do you really need to triple wrap, I doubt she has had sex before. And the pudding and honey, well, you can use your imagination.

U – Useless tickets. Some fed up Wizards fan took to Craigslist to offer his three upper level fourth row tickets to a game earlier this month against Toronto for $5 each. Wizards’ tickets are selling for less than penny candy at some sites, but this particular Craigslist ad was pure gold. The seller even said "if you were to forget to send payment via PayPal, I would not be heartbroken. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity to watch Javale goaltend, Dray shoot 18 footers and The Nick young baseline ballet, all against a team from Canada.”

V– Vitali and Wladimir. Vitali and Wladimir Klitschko are near locks to win their next fights, both in Germany. Vitali is -1700 when he fights Dereck Chisora on Feb. 18 in Munich. Wladimir is -5000 when he fights some stiff named Jean Marc Mormeck on March 3 in Dusseldorf. If you parlayed the brothers and wagered $1,000 it would pay out $80. If you took both underdogs and parlayed them for $1,000 it would pay out $219,500.

W – West, NFC. Caesars has released odds for Super Bowl XLVII and, amazingly, three-fourths of the NFC West has odds of 40/1 or worse! Seattle (40/1), Arizona (40/1) and St. Louis (50/1) are all gigantic long shots to win the Super Bowl. So basically pencil the 49ers into the postseason for the next 11 years.

X – XLVII. We haven’t even played Super Bowl XLVI yet and we already have odds for Super Bowl XLVII. This is why we love Vegas. The Patriots and Packers are the favorites at 7/1 ahead of the Saints (8/1), the Philly Dream Team (10/1), Texans without TJ Yates at quarterback (10/1), Steelers (12/1) and Chargers (12/1). The worst odds belong to the Jaguars at 100/1.

Y – Yu Darvish. The Texas Rangers signed a 25-year old Japanese pitcher, Yu Darvish, to a 6-year $60 million contract. Did the Rangers learn nothing from the Rockets bringing Yao Ming to Texas?

Z – Zero Tolerance. A Tampa Bay Lighting mascot has somehow been fired after shooting silly string at a Boston Bruins fan and then being body slammed by that Bruins fan. Best part about this is the mascot was actually a girl.