A – Albert Pujols. Over the last 10 years while routinely losing 90-100 games a season and attracting dozens and dozens of fans to home games, the Miami Marlins had been hoarding away more cash than South Beach cocaine dealers. Already this offseason the new-look Marlins have offered a ridiculous contract to Jose Reyes and now Albert Pujols has been offered a nine-year, $225 million deal. The Marlins must be planning for a 2013 fire sale.

B – Bernie. After a playoff win over their rival, players from the Perry Hall High School team broke out in a full out "Bernie," the dance mimicking the dead guy from Weekend at Bernie's. The dance must have been pretty good because school officials suspended the entire team and cancelled the rest of the season in response. In other words, dancing like a dead guy killed their season.

C – Call of Duty. The latest edition of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3, has cost a lot of guys their girlfriends. On Saturday it may have cost Louisville a football game. Two days after losing to Pitt at home, 21-14, Charlie Strong called out his team for playing a video game that he didn’t even know what it was called. He started yelling about the video game on Tuesday when players were missing class because of it. Louisville strong safety Hakeem Smith Tweeted about the game shortly after midnight on Tuesday when it was released. Smith hash tagged the phrase "Gamerwithapassion," and he was clearly not talking about football.
 
D- “The Descendants”. November is the time of year with more sporting action to wager on than ever, so if you're looking at Oscars odds you are either a movie buff or degenerate gambler or both. The odds are out for Best Picture and the early favorites are “The Descendants” (+250), “War Horse” (+300), “J. Edgar” (+400) and “The Artist” (+500).

E – Expensive Beer. Beer prices should be adjusted to correspond with a team's winning percentage. The worse your team is, the cheaper your beer should be, but that is certainly not the case in the NFL. Somehow the St. Louis Rams have the nerve to charge a league-worst $9 per beer, that is ahead of both New York teams ($8.75). The Browns have the cheapest beer at $5, that makes sense because of how bad they are, but the defending Super Bowl champions and currently unbeaten Green Bay Packers have the second cheapest beer at $5.25.

F – Frat Row Kicker. Two weeks ago the Tennessee Volunteers were without a kicker an hour before kickoff because of last-second injuries. Tennessee coach Derek Dooley placed a call to frat brother/kicker Derrick Brodus, who was chilling on frat row. Dooley sent a cop to fetch Brodus, they gave him a breathalyzer (even though he was only 20 years old) and he suited up. He went from kicking a frat rat out of his bed to showing up to Neyland Stadium and kicking three extra points and a field goal in a 24-0 win over Middle Tennessee State.

G – Gloucester County. Adam Taliaferro is the former Penn State cornerback who suffered a paralyzing spinal injury in 2000. He made a miracle comeback from the injury, and this month he was elected to serve on the Gloucester County Board of Chosen Freeholders. It is ironic because Taliaferro is now walking while his former football team is paralyzed. Unfortunately once somebody in New Jersey reads his resume and sees where he went to school he'll probably have to resign.

H – Holy Toledo. The Toledo defense (and I use the worse defense loosely) has allowed 63 points on back-to-back Tuesday nights at home. The Rockets actually went 1-1 during that stretch thanks to a 66-63 win over Western Michigan last week that almost made up for a 63-60 loss to Northern Illinois the previous week.  The oddsmakers set the totals of the two games at 69.5 and 71. This Saturday Toledo is at Central Michigan and the total is "only" 73.5.
 
I – Illinois Football. Before being asked to leave the football program permanently, Illinois football Ron Zook left his weekly press conference voluntarily. The Zooker warned reporters not to ask about his job security before the presser started. After a 6-0 start the “Barely Still Fightin’” Illini were 6-4 and destined for a 6-6 finish and some awful bowl game. So, of course, people were going to ask about it. Not to mention his starting linebacker, Trulon Henry, was shot in the hand and two other players were arrested in another incident this week. After 20 minutes a reporter asked Zook about the situations becoming a distraction and Zook bolted. Illinois is a 14-point underdog at home against No. 13 Wisconsin, so good “look” running from that Zooker.

J– Jessica Hopkins. Seattle Mist safety/wide receiver Jessica Hopkins made the play of the year in a recent Lingerie Football League game when she hauled in a pass on a crossing route, got “pansted” by a defender but kept running for a first down before covering her bare ass. The fans went wild at the site of the wardrobe malfunction, and when she got up she pulled a Randy Moss and fake mooned the crowd again.  Despite Hopkins busting her butt and showing her butt, Seattle went on to lose to Las Vegas, 28-24, but the fans were the real winners.

K – Kelsi and David. Buffalo Bills wide receiver David Nelson running a touchdown ball across the field to his girlfriend,/Dallas Cowboys cheerleader Kelsi Reich, generated plenty of reaction and even generated some betting props on Sports Interaction. You can wager on what is next for the couple with marriage in 2012 the favorite at +250 along with Kelsi selling the ball on eBay. Other options are David fails to score another touchdown this season (+300), Kelsi traded to the Bills (+500) (although I'm not sure that is possible), David traded to the Cowboys (+500) (although I'm sure they don’t want him) and Cowboys and Bills in Super Bowl XLVI (+250,000). A possible darkhorse is David dumping Kelsi for Kim Kardashian (+5000).
 
L – Luck Sucks? You can count at least one team who has soured on Andrew Luck. After two ordinary looking performances from the Stanford quarterback, the Miami Dolphins have started to win games. The Dolphins blasted the Chiefs and Redskins two weeks in a row. It looks like their strategy went from “Suck for Luck” to “Win One for Blackmon”.

M – Mails Spell Better than Females. The 2012 Scripps National Spelling Bee is a year away and contestants have yet to qualify, but females are already being pegged as an underdog to win (-105) compared to males (-133). Odds are courtesy of some smart bookmaker at Sports Interaction. 

N – New Jersey. New Jersey residents moved a step closer to being legally permitted to lose money gambling on the Mets and Jets. On Election Day, New Jersey voters passed a betting referendum in favor of sports betting. Now the state needs to overturn a 20-year-old federal law preventing wagering on sports, but at the very least the 65-35 vote in favor of gambling was a major step in the right direction.

O – Oklahoma State. It is going to be really hard to take No. 2 Oklahoma State serious when people see them playing this Friday night. The Cowboys are 27-point favorites at Iowa State. They probably agreed to this game back before they thought they were in the national title discussion.

P – Philebrity. For non-sports fans confused about what the big deal about Joe Paterno is, one headline on Philebrity.com sums it all up. The headline read, "84-Year Old Man Who Failed To Report Child Abuse To Police Fired, Thousands Riot."

Q – Quicken Loans Arena. As the NBA lockout drags on, a quick survey of former Quicken Loans Arena employees reveals how other people are losing out on money. Cavalier player Antawn Jamison is losing $183,862 per game, ball boys are missing out on $70 a game, cameramen are missing out on $500 a game, security guards $60, arena DJ $100, concessionaires $80, the mascot's assistant $75 and dancers $75. Of course, Cleveland-area gamblers who would be wagering on the Cavs are saving themselves about $200 a game.
 
R –Rainey, Dorli. An 84-year old Seattle woman named Dorli Rainey was caught in the crossfire of police pepper spray during an Occupy Seattle march. Her picture went national after other occupying hippies were dousing her with milk to lessen the pain of the pepper spray. We only bring this up to show that Joe Paterno is not the only 84-year old acting like an idiot.

S – Stripper Shortage. New York Jets linebacker Bart Scott said the rivalry between the Ravens and Redskins was one of the most heated in the NFL because players from the two teams fought over strippers. He says the rivalry between the Jets and Giants is not as heated because there is more strippers in New York. That is probably why Scott COULDN’T WAIT! to get to New York.

T –Texans. If the NFL season ended today, we would miss Christmas. Also if the season ended today Matt Leinart would be quarterbacking the No. 1 overall seed in the AFC playoffs. Re-read that last sentence and let the absurdity of it sink in. The 7-3 Texans are currently in first in the AFC via their win over the 7-3 Steelers earlier this season and with Matt Schaub screwing up countless fantasy teams as well as his own team with an injured foot, and Houston has turned the keys to the castle over to draft bust Matt Leinart. It wouldn’t surprise me the least bit of Leinart finds a way to keep the Texans out of the playoffs.

U – Ugly. Bleacher Report released its list of the 50 ugliest professional athletes. The list was dotted with obvious choices like Evgeni Malkin (No. 47); the cross between RuPaul and a Velociraptor, Chris Bosh (No. 41); Joe Flacco and his eyebrow clocked in at No. 39; Daniel Carcillo and his tooth checked in at No. 37; No. 33 Kimbo Slice is apparently ugly enough to make up for the fact he is barely an athlete. The upset of the century occurred with Sam Cassel, aka Golem from Lord of the Rings, not even cracking the Top 10. He he was ranked No. 14. Chris Kaman was pegged as the second ugliest athlete, and the obese Butterbean was ranked ugliest overall.

V – Vick Not sure why a survey was needed to determine this, but E-Poll Market Research reports that 60-percent of people polled said they disliked Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Michael Vick. This was tops in the NFL ahead of Plaxico Burress (56%). Other disliked players are Ben Roethlisberger (53%), Albert Haynesworth (46%), Jay Cutler (38%), Chad Ochocinco (35%), Vince Young (32%), Carson Palmer (31%), Tony Romo (29%) and Jeremy Shockey (29%). Props go to Haynesworth and Young, who are disliked by so many people and they don’t even play.

W –Wingle, Miki. In the best idea since the Lingerie Football League, Tampa Breeze cornerback/wide receiver Mikayla "Miki" Wingle of the LFL appeared on this season of “Survivor, South Pacific”. Wingle has now completed the sports fan cycle, LFL player, Survivor contestant and Playboy centerfield, as she was on the cover of Playboy in February 2011. The LFL's best chance of going mainstream may hinge on Wingle's ability to pose for Playboy again.

X – Xavier. Caesars sportsbook has released a first of its kind, college basketball season win total ‘over/unders’ for the current season. The totals only pertain to conference games, and the total set for Xavier is 13.5 with the opening juice on the ‘over’ at -145 and the ‘under’ at +115. The 13.5 wins is not the most of the 24 teams Caesars posted totals for, but it is the hardest to achieve considering the Musketeers play only 16 conference games. Three slip ups and the ‘under’ hits. The bet will likely come down to Xavier’s games against Temple

Y – Yoga Pants How does Paul Bissonnette overcome the boredom of having to watch a hockey game from a press box as a healthy scratch? He follows girlsinyogapant on Twitter, a feed of girls wearing skin tight stretchy pants that in some cases appear to be painted on. During a game Bissonnette tweeted, “Thank you @girlsinyogapant. You get me through long nights in the press box.”

Z – Zachary Abelman. Vanderbilt football player Andre Simmons showed that even though he is a Vanderbilt student, he is still a football player. Simmons was charged with felony counts of burglary and robbery after he and another black male robbed $5,000 from a safe in the room of Zachary Abelman, a sophomore on Vanderbilt's club ice hockey team, who had to be selling drugs. A fight ensued and Abelman was struck in the head with the gun. The best part about the incident is that the university sent a text message to all students saying there was a robbery suspect loose on campus. Way to go Andre!