A – Armstrong, Lance. Lance Armstrong has an idea to make the Dallas Cowboys a winner and it doesn’t involve taking performance-enhancing drugs or blood doping. After the Cowboys 34-7 loss to the Eagles on “Sunday Night Football,” Armstrong tweeted, “If I had a few hundred million bucks I’d buy the Dallas Cowboys then get the hell outta the way.” This was an obvious shot at Jerry Jones, and at his own bank account, because you would think Armstrong would have accumulated a few hundred million bucks by now.

B – BibiJones. Glenn Gronkowski, a freshman at Kansas State, had the best Halloween costume in the United States this year. Glenn, the younger brother of New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski, walked around shirtless with a blonde girl playing the role of adult film star Bibi Jones. The blonde girl simply wore a Gronkowski Patriots jersey and nothing else, reenacting the picture that surfaced last week of a shirtless Rob posing with Bibi in his Patriots jersey that led to Rob having to apologize to the Patriots. (For more on Bibi check out X)

C – CC and Cashman. After not winning a playoff series, the New York Yankees have rewarded pitcher CC Sabathia and General Manager Brian Cashman with new contracts. Cashman will stick around for three more years and Sabathia will now be making $24.4 million annually, a record for a pitcher and for a person of his weight.

D – Detroit DUI. Detroit Piston Ben Wallace is locked out and possibly locked up. The afro-toting, aging 37-year old center was arrested last week for doing two things you cannot do while under the influence of alcohol, driving and possessing a firearm. Wallace faces a maximum penalty of 93 days, which, of course, will never be served. Wallace blew a 0.14, which was oddly enough the same as his points per game average last season.

E –Egyptian Jail. A New York Mets fan, Ilan Grapel, was somehow locked up in an Egyptian jail for five months. Things got worse for him when he was released. Some prankster told Grapel the New York Mets had won the 2011 World Series. Of course, the Mets didn’t even make the playoffs. We’re hoping someone has told him the truth by now.

F – Family Feud. Instead of watching the NBA on TV this week, we got to watch Chris Paul on Family Feud. I don’t think anybody could tell the difference.

G –Gabbert, Blaine. Future first-round bust, Jacksonville quarterback Blaine Gabbert, finally has a YouTube video worth watching. Gabbert was picked up by CBS microphones dropping a mother fucker bomb while yelling at Texans linebacker Brian Cushing. As Cushing took a dive at Gabbert’s ankles while the quarterback was scrambling out of bounds, Gabbert yelled back to Cushing, “Whoa There Mother Fucker.”

H – Humpdashian. Obviously emotionally distressed fans of Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries, aka “Humpdashian,” organized a vigil via Craigslist outside of Kardashian’s Dash store in the Soho area of New York. The ad on craigslist read, “We’ll be gathering in front of the Dash store in Soho today at 4:15 to hold a vigil for the marriage of Kim Kardashian and Kris Humpreys (sp). It’s a sad day.”

I – Indianapolis Colts. The Suck for Luck sweepstakes have officially kicked into overdrive. With his team trailing 20-0 midway through the third quarter and with the ball on the Tennessee four-yard line, Colts coach Jim Caldwell opted to kick a field goal on fourth and four. This field goal knifed into the 20-0 lead, moving the game from a three-possession contest to a three-possession contest. More importantly, the field goal also helped the Colts improve to a Suck for Luck sweepstakes leading 0-8.

J – Jenn Brown. We had some developing Wednesday afternoon breaking sports news. ESPN sideline reporter, Jenn “Not Erin Andrews” Brown recently locked herself in her hotel bathroom and tweeted about it. She conveniently had her cell phone with her during this trying ordeal and she gave her Twitter followers a blow-by-blow account of the happenings. She eventually phoned for help and her rescuers had to break her hotel door down because she dead-bolted it because she is well aware of what happens to blonde ESPN sideline reporters in hotel rooms.

K – Katie Siepman. The 28-year-old St. Louis Cardinals fan has become a legend among Cardinal fans and men and women scared of commitment everywhere. Siepman was shown on TV at World Series Game 6 holding a sign that read, “He told me I can have an engagement ring or World Series tickets, here I am.” Siepman said after the game, “It was totally worth it. Game 6 was incredible.” No word on if the couple is still together.

L – Lingerie Football League. One extremely lucky fan will win the chance to tackle one extremely unlucky Lingerie Football League player at Lingerie Bowl IX. (No way they had nine of those things, so I don’t know how it could be IX. They should just call it XXX). Via an online contest through the LFL, one fan will win round-trip airfare for two to Las Vegas, two tickets to the game, hotel accommodations and a chance to tackle an LFL player. (Key word is chance, so I guess you could get stiff-armed). The game will be televised by MTV, apparently, and the sweepstakes also comes with a VIP experience, which means no waiting in lines (assuming there are lines) and a private meet and greet (aka probably a private dance and maybe a happy ending).

M – MAC Tuesdays. Christmas comes early for degenerate gamblers in the form of MAC Football Tuesday-Saturday. A showdown between Toledo and Northern Illinois began the five-day gauntlet of sub-par football in front of sparse crowds in sub-freezing temperatures, but if it means not having to bet on baseball or November pucks, bettors will take it. Next week the MAC gives us a double dip on Tuesday, Northern Illinois at Bowling Green and Western Michigan at Toledo before a Miami (Ohio)/Temple showdown on Wednesday and Ohio at Central Michigan on Thursday. The MAC is the only conference that will play more games during the week (four) than on Saturday (two).

N – No. 1 vs. No. 2. SEC Armageddon is on tap this Saturday in Tuscaloosa, Alabama. The Crimson Tide are four-point favorites on most book’s college football odds. More than 600 media credentials have been requested for the game. One thing to remember when deciding on first half wagers or second half lines: the team who has led at halftime has lost six of the last eight meetings.

O – Officer arrested. In the best Halloween/sports story you will ever read, New England Patriot Julian Edelman dressed as an officer from “Reno 911!” for Halloween and was later arrested by an actual officer at a bar for allegedly reaching underneath a woman’s costume and groping her below the waist. Edelman was taken to jail dressed as Lieutenant Jim Dangle, the guy on “Reno 911!” Who wears the incredibly short shorts.

P – Practice squad arrest. Carolina Panthers practice squad member Lawrence Wilson was pulled over for speeding (76 in a 65). Upon closer inspection deputies discovered 11 grams of marijuana, and his problems went from bad to worse just like that. The problems got even worse when Wilson began to sob in front of the cops, asking what he was going to do with his career.

Q – Quarterback broke. Mark Brunell played in the NFL for 18 years as a quarterback, now he is preparing to retire and preparing to be broke. Actually, he is worse than broke. Despite making $50 million during his career Brunell is badly in debt and the focus of at least six lawsuits. He invested that $50 million into nine businesses and enterprises, of which only four still exist and now there are over $24 million in claims against him. Brunell will begin work as a medical sales rep after he is done holding a clipboard for the New York Jets. He will take a considerable pay cut somewhere around 99 percent. He will also continue to do charitable work, but that money he raises for charity might just end up going back to him.

R – Rangers coach. Not many sports personalities drop the old GD word too often, let alone a coach but there was no stopping Rangers Head Coach John Tortorella this week. In response to comments by San Jose Shark Joe Thornton, Tortorella said, “Joe’s a heck of a player, but here’s a player popping off about our team and Joe hasn’t won a goddamn thing in this league.”

S – St. Louis backer. An unnamed bettor won $375,000 on the St. Louis Cardinals after they won the NL and the World Series. The bettor cashed in both on the NL pennant and the World Series win with $250 wagers on each at the MGM sports book in Las Vegas. No word on the name of the bettor, but if you watch the replay of the missed fly ball in Game 6, you might come to the conclusion that it was Nelson Cruz.

T – Tebowing. The “Tebowing” craze may finally be dead as the Detroit Lions mocked it many times during a beatdown of Tim Tebow and the Denver Broncos on Sunday. Even a former Bronco, Tony Scheffler was caught Tebowing after a touchdown catch. The Internet was abuzz with funny puns after the game, “Historically Christians have done poorly against the Lions,” “Tebow calls third downs ‘Jews’ because they are the hardest to convert,” and “Send Tebow to Syria to overthrow Assad!”

U – ‘Under’ bettors not happy. The first MAC Tuesday game of the year was a treat for football fans and ‘over’ bettors. The Toledo/Northern Illinois game developed into a high-scoring circus that featured 123 points, 1,121 yards of total offense and even less fans at the Glass Bowl in Toledo. The ‘over’ hit in the third quarter. NIU’s Tommylee Lewis (his real name) returned the opening kickoff 100 yards for a touchdown. Toledo countered with an opening-drive touchdown. Lewis countered by returning the next kickoff for another touchdown! Toledo countered with another touchdown! The Huskies offense finally took the field over a half hour after the game had started. NIU eventually won, 63-60, but, really, we are all winners.

V – Virginia Tech & Penn State. The Hokies and Nittany Lions are both 8-1 overall and on pace to reach their respective conferences title games. If you are a fan of the teams, this is great news. If you are a fan of the team and a degenerate homer gambler this is awful news because the teams are somehow 2-7 ATS this season.

W – West Virginia. Out of fear for the safety of their band, cheerleaders and mascot, Louisville has elected to not bring them to Morgantown, West Virginia, this Saturday for a Big East game against the Mountaineers. Louisville cheerleader Lindsey Sitzlar commented, “Cheers and Birds can’t go to WVU because it’s not a safe enough environment due to fans. West Virginia should (be) embarrassed.” No word on if the Louisville players plan to show up. West Virginia is a 14-point favorite.

X – xxxBibiJones. A week after New England Patriots tight end Ron Gronkowski visited Pittsburgh for a Patriots loss to the Steelers, his favorite porn star, Bibi Jones, is paying the city a visit to dance at Blush Gentlemen’s club on Thursday-Saturday. Gronkowski was held without a touchdown last Sunday. The smart money says Jones scores more than Gronkowski while in town.

Y – Yale. Yale senior quarterback Patrick Witt is a finalist for the prestigious Rhodes Scholarship. His interview in front of the Rhodes committee is in Atlanta is on the morning of Nov. 19, the same day Yale plays Harvard. Kickoff for Yale/Harvard is at noon in New Haven, Connecticut, and Witt has no idea what he plans on doing yet. Luckily for oddsmakers this is an Ivy League game, so they do not have to worry about what to do with the point spread.

Z – BizNasty2point0. Zero minutes was the amount of ice time Phoenix Coyotes rarely-used defensemen Paul Bissonnette received on Wednesday.  On Thursday morning after the game he tweeted, “Glad I sat myself out in fantasy hockey tonight.”