A – Aw shit! Just moments after explaining why he suspended quarterback Stephen Garcia for dropping an “f bomb” at a university-sponsored event, the Ol' Ball Coach Steve Spurrier had trouble thinking of the coach at Southern Miss and he blurted out this gem…"The coach at Southern Miss…Aw, shit, I can't tell you his name right now."
B – Babes from the Bay. The Lingerie Football League bares plenty of skin, but it also bears little resemblance to the National Football League. However, after watching a recent Green Bay Chill game, the “Lambeau Leap” has made the transition to the LFL. In a recent Green Bay Chill/Minnesota Valkyries showdown, a player from the Green Bay Chill leap into the stands after a touchdown. The games are played at the Resch Center, but we’ll go ahead and still call it a Lambeau Leap. If you thought it was dangerous for NFL players to jump in the stands with drunken fans, imagine being a woman dressed in lingerie. Minnesota knocked off Green Bay 28-25. but the Resch Center fans in the North end zone were the real winners.  
C- Charlie Sheen. To roast the walking trainwreck known as Charlie Sheen, Comedy Central has tapped another trainwreck, Mike Tyson. Iron Mike will attempt to roast Sheen as the audience attempts to understand what Tyson is saying. Other roasters on include Steve-O from "Jackass" and roast master Jeff Ross.

D – “Dancing with the Stars”. US women's national treasure Hope Solo and Los Angeles Lakers bi-polar forward Ron Artest were both tabbed to be a part of the latest “Dancing With the Stars” series. Hopefully this is a gateway move to Playboy for Solo. Solo and Artest will join such F-list celebrities as Robert Kardashian, Kristin Cavallari, Nancy Grace, Ricki Lake and David Arquette. The show will debut on Sept.19 and Artest will likely be eliminated by Sept. 20.

E – Emmanuel Marlow.  Stadium beer vendor Emmanuel Marlow saved a fans life at a Nationals game by performing the Heimlich maneuver on a young child who was choking on food. Considering Washington's bullpen is awful, it was probably the best save of the year for a Nationals employee.

F – Frank Gore. Fantasy owners can exhale. San Francisco 49ers running back Frank Gore has reached a three-year deal worth $21 million, just 13 days before the season opener when Gore had said he wanted a long-term deal by. Considering the rich legacy of the 49ers, it is the opposite of fitting, but Gore is likely going to become the franchise's all-time rushing leader. He needs just 931 yards to accomplish the feat, and this from a guy who has played during the darkest days of the franchise and has never been to the playoffs.

G – Gators. The Dolphins are pouring some South Beach salt into open Miami Hurricane wounds. On Oct. 23 during a game against the Denver Broncos, the Dolphins will honor Tim Tebow and the rest of the Florida Gators' 2008 National Championship team. This is really weird considering Tebow will be playing in that game as a Bronco and that it will be at the home field of the rival Miami Hurricanes. We're assuming this celebration was organized because the Dolphins have nothing themselves to celebrate. 

H – Hair Transplant. Like a lot of athletes, Wayne Rooney underwent offseason surgery this summer. Unlike a lot of athletes Rooney's surgery was a $50,000 hair transplant procedure. For some reason I just can't pitcher James Harrison or Brian Urlacher doing anything similar. Just one more reason why soccer will never catch on in the United States.

I – Injuries. The pain allegedly dished out by LSU players with the initials JJ has been quantified and it’s not pretty. According to the investigation, the beating quarterback Jordan Jefferson and reserve linebacker Josh Johns gave to Andrew Lowery left him with a facial fracture, a concussion, fractured teeth and facial and body issues. A driver who was reportedly yanked out of his vehicle by the duo sustained three fractured vertebrae in his lower back, fractured teeth, severe cuts and bruises on the face and also a concussion. Despite eye witness accounts Jenkins continues to profess his innocence, so maybe he sustained a concussion too.

J – Javaris Crittenton. Professional athletes do a lot of stupid things, but it is not every day one of them is wanted for murder. Former Washington Wizard Javaris Crittenton was arrested Monday on murder charges for the Aug. 19 shooting of a woman in what police say was retaliatory for someone robbing $55,000 worth of jewelry from Crittenton, or about how much the ex-jock got paid to play a quarter of basketball. This is the same Crittenton who had a dispute with Gilbert Arenas over a card game in 2009. Arenas brought four guns to the locker room and set them in front of Crittenton's locker along with a sign saying "Pick 1." Instead of picking one Crittenton just pulled out his own piece. So, as shocking as a murder warrant for a pro athlete is, you really can’t say you didn’t see this coming.

K – Kings. There is one less team in professional sports wearing purple. The Los Angeles Kings announced they are dropping purple from their team colors for the upcoming season. Team executive Luc Robitaille said fans have clamored for a return to the black, silver and white colors, or maybe they just realized that purple is associated with a lot of things and sports isn’t one of them.

L – Lord Stanley. There is a guy with a funny haircut whose only job it is to wear white gloves and keep an eye on the Stanley Cup. Well that guy sucks at his job because Lord Stanley is sporting a new dent after it fell off a table in Newfoundland. Not sure why the Stanley Cup was in Newfoundland, but that Cup handler better make his way to Newjobland soon.

M – Mountaineer Field. Alcohol will legally be served for the first time at West Virginia University home football games at Mountaineer Field. Booze will be available at 51 locations throughout the stadium, with 16oz plastic bottles of Budweiser, Bud Light, Michelob Ultra and Yuengling going for $7, 20oz drafts for $8, Mike's Hard Lemonade (for visiting Pitt fans) is $8, and, of course, Natty Light beer cans are still free if they fit in your pants.

N – Nationals. Strasmas will come in September this year for the dozens and dozens of Washington Nationals fans out there. Pitching phenom Stephen Strasburg is set to debut his surgically repaired arm when he makes his 2011 MLB debut on Sept. 6 against the Los Angeles Dodgers. I guess the Pittsburgh Pirates weren’t available. The start just happens to occur at home, of course, where the Nationals attendance has been horrific.

O – Odds. Sidney Crosby has yet to be cleared for contact eight months after being concussed, but the Penguins remain a Stanley Cup favorite. The Vancouver Canucks are the front runners on Bodog at 7/1 just ahead of the Penguins (8/1) and the defending Stanley Cup Champions, the Boston Bruins, who are 10/1. The Blue Jackets, Panthers and Islanders all bring up the rear at 75/1.

P – Pittsburgh Pirates. The organization that can do nothing right strikes again. Sitting in first place and above .500 earlier this summer, the Pirates had a chance to raise ticket prices for the first time since 2002. Instead they waited until a complete franchise meltdown and for the Pirates to be sitting 19 games out of first place and 12 games under .500 to announce they are raising ticket prices. The average waste of money at the stadium will increase from $15.30 to $16.11. Currently on Stub Hub, tickets on the secondary market are retailing for as low as $1 for nearly every remaining home game that is not followed by a Steve Miller Band concert. The last time the Pirates raised ticket prices was after a 100-loss season. So as bad as they stink at baseball, they are even worse at marketing.

Q – Quinton "Rampage" Jackson. At UFC 135 Quinton "Rampage" Jackson has been pegged as a big +350 underdog against Jon "Bones" Jones (-500) in a Light Heavyweight Championship bout. The event takes place Sept. 24 at Pepsi Center in Denver, Colorado.

R – Rex Ryan. New York Jets coach Rex Ryan claimed this week he has the best defense in football. It was a boisterous claim from the coach who is infamous for putting his foot (or someone else’s) in his mouth.

S – Suspensions. Miami Hurricanes quarterback Jacory Harris is one of eight players who will miss the season-opener against Maryland on Labor Day evening. Harris and 11 other Hurricanes received extra benefits from booster Nevin Shapiro. The dozen players will probably now have to find another booster to get cash from because the NCAA wants them to pay restitution. If you think it’s bad being a Hurricane fan, imagine being a Maryland fan. Even without the eight starters Miami is still favored by 5.5 points at Maryland.

T – Twelve. That is how many pitches it took for Pittsburgh Pirates mop-up man Chris Leroux to allow four hits and three earned runs. It was an impressive performance for Leroux, especially considering it came against an awful Houston Astros team.

U – US Presidential Election. The republicans appear to be making headway in the presidential campaign as evidenced by the latest US Presidential Election odds on Bodog. The Democratic Party is down to a –140 favorite ahead of the Republicans (+110). Texas Governor Rick Perry is the favorite to capture the Republican Nomination at 5/4 ahead of Mitt Romey (2/1), Sarah Palin (10/1) and Ron Paul (12/1). Michele Bachmann has somehow fallen to 14/1.

V – Vick, Michael. The Philadelphia Eagles shelled out $100 million to Michael Vick, because, who doesn’t want a mobile quarterback in his 30s locked up for six years? Vick agreed to the $100 million six-year deal on Monday and he, along with his numerous creditors, had to be ecstatic. Of the contract $40 million is guaranteed, as in guaranteed to be a waste of money.

W – WNBA. Contrary to what people who are not degenerate gamblers believe, it is possible to wager on WNBA games. It is one thing to wager on WNBA games during the summer when baseball gets boring, it is an entirely other thing to do it in September. Friends don’t let friends bet on women's basketball when football is on. 

X – X girlfriends. The lineup for “Dancing With the Stars” was released this week (see D) and Bodog wasted no time in posting odds for the competition. A couple of ex-girlfriends are the favorites. George Clooney's ex, Elisabetta Canalis is the favorite at 3/1 ahead of someone named Carson Kressley (4/1) and Jay Cutler's ex-Kristin Cavallari is listed at 5/1. US women's goalie Hope Solo is 8/1 and Ron Artest is 10/1 to win and 4/1 to be a part of the worst wardrobe malfunctions in live television history.

Y – Yankee Heartbreak. The Yankees may have pretty much locked up a playoff berth, but who can worry about that at a time like this? Derek Jeter and Minka Kelly have split up after three years together. No reason was given, but I'm guessing its Arod's fault. A single Minka Kelly is distracting for both Jeter and for every heterosexual male in the United States now. Kelly is slated to debut in the new “Charlie's Angels” television series, and I'm guessing its ratings might get a little kick in the pants with this news.

Z – Zhejiang Guangsha. Wilson Chandler is taking his talents to South China. Like a lot of NBA players, Chandler is signing a deal with a foreign team in case of an NBA lockout. Unlike a lot of NBA players, Chandler is now not able to play in the 2011-12 NBA season if happens because the Chinese Basketball Association does not allow escape clauses. I'm guessing the 24-year old Chandler did not run this idea by anybody before signing.