A– AK47. A Florida beach house being rented by a trio of Tampa Bay Rays, including Evan Longoria, was robbed on Saturday. Among the items stolen were a 60-inch TV, a trio of iPads, a laptop, a pair of Xbox console systems, an AK47, cash and watches. Wait, what? An AK47? Yes Longoria owns (or I guess owned) a Russian assault rifle. Apparently it was perfectly legal. If this was Plaxico Burress he would be probably be sent to Alcatraz.

B – Ballpark Concessions. Stadium concessionaire Aramark Corporation is allowing fans at 11 Major League Baseball stadiums the option of choosing a menu item. Fans will be able to vote on their favorite sandwich. At Boston’s Fenway Park fans will choose between the Turkey Gobbler Sandwich or the Monster Roast Beef Sandwich. At Pittsburgh’s PNC Park, home of the awful Pirates, fans will choose between Pulled Pork and Pierogi Stacker or the Stuffed Pepper Hoagie. Both come with a side of bad baseball.

C – College Gambling. Many people prefer to wager on collegiate athletics as opposed to professional athletics. There are more games to choose from, the lines are never as solid as in the pro games and then there is March Madness, which turns every breathing American into a degenerate gambler for a few weeks in March. So the launch of a college gambling Web site could never be a bad thing, or could it? Upon further examination, the recently launched CollegeGambling.org, does not even have point spreads on it. The site was launched by the National Center for Responsible Gaming and apparently it is supposed to educate about gambling-related harms on campus. The site was good for one stat; it states that research finds that 75 percent of college students gambled during the past year. So basically that means the other 25 percent just lied about it.

D – DUI. Former Fab Five standout, Indiana Pacer and current ESPN analyst Jalen Rose was picked up for a DUI earlier this month after his car went off an apparent slick Detroit-area road. This week Rose claimed he felt sober but acknowledged that blood results told a different story. His court date has been set for April 20, which will likely dampen any 4/20 celebration Rose may have had in mind.

E – Esquire. In the best idea since March Madness, the people at Esquire decided to come up with a tournament simply dubbed “Sexiest Woman Alive Madness.” Coming from the four different regions of Movies, Fashion, Television and Music & Sports, the Final Four consisted of No. 1 seed Brooklyn Decker, No. 4 seed Erin Andrews and No. 10 seeds Katrina Bowden and Megan Fox (the VCU’s of this tournament). We are unsure of the voting methods used to crown a champion or who Katrina Brown is or how exactly Fox was a No. 10 seed. For comparison purposes here are some other celebrities and their seeding, No. 1 Mila Kunis, No. 1 Katy Perry, No. 2 Miranda Kerr, No. 5 Taylor Swift, No. 6 Emmy Rossum, No. 11 Kendra Wilkinson, No. 13 Jenn Brown, No. 14 Amanda Seyfriend and No. 16 seeds Kate Middleton, Elin Nordegren, Hoda & Kathie Lee and Russell Brand.

F – Final Four. Anyone who knows anything about gambling always refers to No. 1 and 2 seeds as “chalk,” so in that case this year we have the Eraser Final Four with No. 3 seed UConn, No. 4 seed Kentucky, No. 8 seed Butler and No. 11 seed VCU. Of the Final Four, Kentucky is the favorite to cut down the nets at +145 followed by UConn +225, Butler +325 and VCU +450. 

G – Gus Johnson. Thanks to FunnyorDie.com, we have a compilation of announcer extraordinaire Gus Johnson calling Great Moments in History. The online video features Johnson calling such events as Michael Jackson’s moonwalk, Neil Armstrong walking on the moon, the Berlin Wall coming down and O.J. Simpson’s hide speed chase.

H – Hilton Sportsbook. If VCU wins the National Championship, the Hilton SuperBook will likely still be standing but its pockets will be a lot lighter. Before the tournament began the Hilton sportsbook took a $10 futures bet on VCU to win the National Championship at 5,000 to 1. The bet pays out $50,000. There were other futures bets on VCU in Las Vegas, but not at those high odds. The book at the Mirage took VCU action at 175 to 1. Before the tournament even started back in January, Caesars veteran sportsbook guru Todd Fuhrman took a wager on VCU at 500-1.

I – Infantile. Trying to revive the glory days of the mud-filled, beer-basted, slobber-knocking, urinal-tipping frenzy that was the Preakness infield, marketers at the Triple Crown race have introduced a new mascot dubbed “Kegasus.” The mascot looks kind of like a half horse/half Kenny Powers of “Eastbound and Down” and he sports a beer gut and a nipple ring. Maryland Delegate Pat McDonough went on to call the mascot “Infantile.” I prefer “Ingenious.”

J – Jose Canseco. With Barry Bonds on trial, it got me wondering where is Jose Canseco? Well, it didn’t take long for Canseco to land in the news. In a bizarre story befitting the intersection of boxing and Canseco, a celebrity boxing event was canceled when Ozzie Canseco, Jose’s twin brother (who knew he had one?) showed up to box in place of Jose. The promoter announced to the assembled crowd that the fight was effectively canceled. Of course, Jose had his side of the story to tell and he conveniently enough landed on the “Good Day LA” Morning Show to tell it. He stated that the promoter knew he wasn’t coming and that Ozzie was there in his place, but the promoter insisted on announcing him as Ozzie. Even when steroids aren’t involved Jose seems to find controversy at every corner.

K – Kansas City Soccer. In what comes to a shock to no one who knows how ratings-starved the MLS is, Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chad Ochocinco has made the roster for the MLS Squad, Sporting Kansas City. Of course, Ochocinco will not start and likely not play, but he can train with the team, sit on the bench and of course attract media and attention to a place that knows no such thing.

L – Luther Vandross. For all CBS does wrong when it comes to March Madness coverage they do give us Gus Johnson and now they are giving us back the late Luther Vandross. After randomly choosing Jennifer Hudson to sing “One Shining Moment” last year, the network has decided to go back to Vandross’ version. Interestingly enough, it hasn’t always been Vandross, singing the song. The song’s writer, David Barrett, wrote the song in 1979 and performed it after the championship game from 1987 to 1993 before Teddy Pendergrass (who??) performed the song for five years until Vandross took over.

M – Mayweather, Floyd. You think all the LeBron haters were happy to see the Cavs knock off the Heat Tuesday night? Imagine how happy Floyd Mayweather was. He laid down $50,000 on the Cavaliers second-half line of +12.5. Cleveland was winning by 11 at halftime so the bet was effectively on the Cavaliers to win. Mayweather tweeted a picture of his betting ticket that paid out $47,619.05. This latest development probably only further delays any potential fight with Manny Pacquiao.

N – Norte de Santander. Soccer fanatics helped give a deceased fan his final wish when they smuggled his corpse into a soccer game this week in General Santander Stadium in Norte de Santander, Columbia. Seventeen-year old Christopher Jacome was murdered while playing soccer earlier in the week. During his wake, his soccer fanatic friends took the cadaver from the funeral home and marched with it in a procession around the stadium and eventually into the stadium. The coffin was hoisted in the air in a raucous cheering section and became a focal point of all the celebrations. The corpse was on hand for a thriller as the home team rallied back from a deficit to score an equalizer and tie the game in the waning moments.

O – Outstanding. Cheers to college basketball for not naming the men’s tournament player award, the MVP trophy or naming it after some old basketball player. They keep it old school and still call it the Most Outstanding Player award. Sportsbook.com has UConn’s Kemba Walker as the favorite at +250, followed closely by Kentucky’s Brandon Knight (+250). Both are ahead of the Field (+300), which includes everyone not named Terrence Jones, Kentucky (+800), Matt Howard, Butler (+800), Bradford Burgess, VCU (+1500) or Brandon Rozell, VCU (+1500). A true sign of the times is that you probably never heard of at least two of those players.

P – Pirates. The season has not even started and the sad sack Pittsburgh Pirates are already offering a dollar night. The official “Buc night” promotion comes during the second home game of the season on a Friday night. The Pirates will likely be mathematically eliminated from playoff contention by then, so management is trying to lure fans to the park with $1 tickets, $1 fountain soft drinks, $1 nachos and $1 hot dogs. On top of that it is Free Shirt Friday and Free Pirates Schedule Poster, because who wouldn’t want one? When the Pirates get trounced 20-0 and go on to lose 105 games again at least management can say “You get what you pay for.”

Q – Quarterfinals. The NCAA Men’s Quarterfinals, aka the Elite Eight, may go down as the best round of basketball in recent tournament history. It started on Saturday with No. 8 seed Butler surprising No. 2 seed Florida, 74-71, in overtime. A few hours later it was No. 3 UConn surviving against No. 5 Arizona, 65-63. On Sunday the dream continued for 11.5-point underdog, No. 11 VCU, when it blew out No. 1 Kansas, 71-61. No. 4 Kentucky capped an improbable Final Four with a 76-69 win over No. 2 North Carolina.

R – Ralph Macchio. Our weekly “Dancing With the Stars” update brought to you by Bodog shows that the “Karate Kid” Ralph Macchio is still the favorite at 2/1 with Kirsti Alley (4/1), Pittsburgh Steeler Hines Ward (9/2) and Chris Jericho (5/1) not far behind. Wendy Williams is practically out of the contest at 75/1 while boxing legend Sugar Ray Leonard continues to struggle; his odds are 25/1.

S – Sagging Pants. Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Dez Bryant was booted from a Dallas shopping mall for having droopy pants. Bryant and his entourage, who also had droopy pants, were asked to leave the North Park Center mall after Bryant went off on a profanity-laced firestorm against officers who told him to pull up his droopy pants.

T – Troy Tulowitzki Theme. In the greatest idea a baseball player has had since taking steroids to hit more home runs, Rockies shortstop Troy Tulowitzki is leaving it up to fans to help him choose his entrance song for this season. The finalists are, Katy Perry “Firework”, Justin Bieber “Baby”, Ke$ha “We R Who We R” and Chris Brown “Yeah 3x”. The selections should come as no surprise as this comes from a player who used Miley Cyrus’ “Party in the USA” for most of last season.

U – Unwritten Rule. You don’t hit 10 home runs in Spring Training without trying a little too hard. Baltimore’s Jake Fox belted 10 home runs this spring to lead the Grapefruit, Cactus and Prickly Pear leagues. But it was something he did after his 10th home run that is getting all the attention. With runners on second and third base and a 3-0 count in a Spring Training game led by Baltimore, 13-3, and with a minor leaguer on the mound, Fox swung at the next pitch. This accomplished two things, one it got Mr. Fox into this week’s A-Z, and secondly it managed to enrage BOTH managers, Baltimore’s Buck Showalter and Detroit’s Jim Leyland.  Apparently the bat was just for show and Fox wasn’t supposed to use it on that pitch.

V – Vanessa Hudgens. For the second time in the past few years, nude pictures of Disney pop tart Vanessa Hudgens have surfaced on the internet. The next obvious step in the career of the 22-year-old actress is to start appearing regularly at Lakers game and she has done just that. This week she was spotted courtside at the Lakers/Hornets game wearing a “Lakers are for Lovers” mid drift shirt fully exposing her pierced bellybutton, so at least Hudgens hasn’t gone gun shy since the pictures were leaked.

W – Women’s Final Four. With Baylor and Brittney Griner eliminated from the tournament, we can now officially call it the Women’s Final Four. In Sunday’s semifinals, UConn is a nine-point favorite against Notre Dame, while Stanford is a five-point favorite over Texas A&M. UConn’s odds to win the tournament are -325, while the field pays out +250.

X – XXVII, Wrestlemania. For anyone who grew up a professional wrestling fan and later developed into a raging degenerate gambler, the thought of wagering on pro wrestling matches is like injecting Real Sugar Mountain Dew directly into your bloodstream. Thanks to 5Dimes Sportsbook, that dream has come true. The site that proves it will literally put odds out for anything has handicapped all eight Wrestlemania XXVII matches. The pay-per-view event emanating from the Georgia Dome on Sunday, April 3, features title bouts between Edge (+315) and Albert Del Rio (-455), The Miz (+160) and John Cena (-210) and Sheamus (-245) and Daniel Bryan (+175). The biggest favorite of the night is in the announcers battle between Jerry the King Lawler (-1580) and Michael Cole (+750). Other big favorites include Trish Stratus, Snooki of the ”Jersey Shore” and John Morrison (-1275) in a six-person mixed tag team match against Dolph Ziggler, Layla & Michelle McCool (+625). In a No Holds Barred Match, The Undertaker (-1050) puts his undefeated Wrestlemania record on the line against Triple H (+550).

Y – Yale Hockey. In what is likely a sad commentary on the state of the NHL, Yale senior defenseman Jeff Anderson is spurning the NHL and other professional offers for a career on Wall Street. Anderson has chosen to take a job with JP Morgan in the sales and trading department. He’ll likely end up making more money than half of the league.

Z - Zydrunas Ilgauskas. A good old fracas broke out at the Verizon Center Wednesday night when Zydrunas Ilgauskas, in his best attempt to get attention off of the Heat’s loss to the Cavs the night before, got into an altercation with the John Wall Dance himself of the Washington Wiz Kids. Big Z caught Wall with a couple elbows and Wall retaliated with a trademark NBA punch that got a lot of air. For their efforts Ilgauskas, Wall and even Heat forward Juwan Howard were all ejected.