A – Ass. The Floyd Mayweather Jr. vs. Victor Ortiz fight turned into WrestleMania on Saturday night. First there was the illegal Ortiz head butt, then an attempt at a hug that was followed by two sucker punches from Mayweather that ended the fight and sent the crowd into bedlam. If that wasn’t bizarre enough, Mayweather and his entourage mixed it up with 80-year old boxing analyst Larry Merchant in a post-fight interview. Mayweather told Merchant that he “ain’t shit” and Merchant morphed into Mean Gene Okerlund and yelled, “I wish I was 50 years younger, and I’d kick your ass.”

B – Brandon Stokley. In Suzy Kolber's most awkward interview since a drunken Joe Namath tried to kiss her, New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning began discussing Brandon Stokley's chode. "He had a small package, but I'll tell ya, all of a sudden his package got a lot bigger in the middle of the game," Manning said while creepily smiling. Stokley did not even catch a pass during the game.

C – Couches. No couch is safe in Morgantown this Saturday when the No. 16 Mountaineers host the No. 2 LSU Tigers as six-point underdogs, according to college football odds, at 8 p.m. West Virginia University students consume 1 percent of the nation's alcohol and burn 100 percent of its couches. This is the student body that lit 22 street fires to celebrate the death of Osama Bin Laden. This is the student body that engulfed the neighborhood of Sunnyside in flames after their basketball team reached the Elite Eight in 2006. Yes, just the Elite Eight. This is the city that had to make couch burning a felony to deter students from celebrating by torching upholstery. This is the place where students tore down the field goal posts at Mountaineer Field after beating Virginia Tech in a football game in 2002…at VIRGINIA TECH!  There were even reports of couch fires when ESPN announced they were coming to Morgantown this week. If I were a couch in Morgantown or if I was crashing on someone’s couch like Rich Rodriguez, I'd be sweating right about now.

D – “Dancing With The Stars”. Goalie uniforms conceal a lot, so while we knew Hope Solo was a fox hiding behind that baggy soccer uniform, nobody realized she had a chiseled six-pack until she donned a revealing dress in the season premiere of “Dancing With The Stars”. At this rate Hope will be naked by the fifth episode.

E – Emmys. “Sunday Night Football” beat “Friday Night Lights”. Even though you can now bet on the Emmys, the primetime television award show was no match for “Sunday Night Football” since we assume more people wagered on the Eagles giving two than Kyle Chandler winning best actor. “Sunday Night Football” earned a 15.7 overnight rating compared to the Emmys, 9.4.

F – Full Tilt Poker. The online poker site Full Tilt Poker appears ready to fold (plenty of pun intended), although that is not a laughing matter if you deposited money with the site. As of March 31 Full Tilt Poker had about $59 million on hand while owing players around the world $390 million. Uh-oh. A Manhattan US Attorney called Full Tilt Poker a "massive Ponzi scheme."

G –Gameday. For the first time in its existence, “ESPN College Gameday” is making the trip to West Virginia University for the nonconference clash between No. 2 LSU and No. 16 WVU at 8 p.m. on Saturday. With a 9 a.m. telecast of “ESPN College Gameday” coaxing not-yet hungover but still drunk co-eds from their dorm rooms to inevitably begin drinking with breakfast, Mountaineer Field has all the makings to be a liquored-up, booze-fest of epic proportions. Oh yeah, in case tailgating from 9 a.m. to 8 p.m. was not enough (and it probably isn’t in Morgantown), they started serving beer in Mountaineer Field this season. Les Miles has to be asking what he signed up for right about now.

H – Hockey Mom. A 44-year old hockey mom from California was arrested for allegedly having sex with two members of her son's youth hockey team. Kathia Maria Davis is under suspicion of having unlawful sex with a minor under 16 and committing lewd acts with a minor under 14. Use a little imagination to figure out the difference between the two. Both victims were members of the Beach City Lightning. Davis had been throwing parties and furnishing booze to the team and her son's other friends. Investigators believe that other teammates may have scored with Mrs. Davis as well. This is why Hockey Mom's are so much cooler than soccer moms.

I – Italy. Kobe Bryant is well liked in Italy. He is so well liked that he was actually a spokesperson for Nutella, a popular Italian hazelnut spread that is more like a religion in Italy. The Italian club team Virtus Bologna, who just signed Chris Douglas-Roberts and is pursuing Manu Ginobili, has offered Bryant $600,000 per game to sign with the team.

J – Joe Mauer. A Minnesota Twins fan took a grudge against Joe Mauer with him to the grave. Josiah A. Abeler sadly passed away at the young age of 22. Oddly enough, his obituary featured this line, "He was a Twins fan, though angry at Joe Mauer."

K – Kazakhstan. The Italians and French are good at a lot of sports, but hockey is not one of them. In the upcoming 2012 IIHF World Hockey Championships in May in Helsinki, Finland, oddsmakers are giving the Fighting Borats of Kazakhstan better odds (+50,000) to win the championship than the Italians and French, who have insane odds of +100,000. 

L – Lightning. A lightning delay forced the Oklahoma City vs. Tulsa game on Saturday to be pushed back to 12:15 a.m. local time and 1:15 a.m. on the East Coast. The late start resulted in an NHL-like 0.3 national rating, or 208,000 households of which about 208,000 had money on the game. In Oklahoma City the ratings fell from 7.5 at kickoff at 12:15 a.m. to 2.2 by the end of the game at 3:30 a.m., although Nielsen Ratings has no way of knowing if that many people watched the game or just fell asleep with the TV on.

M – Metta World Peace. Professional athletes usually dominate “Dancing With The Stars,” but the basketball player formerly known as Ron Artest and now known as Metta World Peace is not your standard professional athlete. MWP was the first person eliminated from DWTS this season. Metta World Peace can win an NBA Finals ring, but he can't out dance Nancy Grace.

N – Nate Burleson. Detroit Lions receiver Nate Burleson says he wants to be just like Wes Welker, but blacker. While on the NFL Network Burleson said, "This year I'm going to try to be the black Wes Welker."

O – Oklahoma Ratings. The Oklahoma/Florida State barn burner on Saturday night was the most-viewed Saturday night football game since the 2009 Big 12 Championship Game (Texas/Nebraska). The game earned a 5.8 national rating (6.6 million households and 9.3 million viewers).

P – Peyton Manning. Not only does Peyton Manning play quarterback for the Indianapolis Colts, but apparently he plays defense and special teams too, and for all we know he is flying the team plane and taking tickets at the gate. Without Manning the Colts were blown out by the Houston Texans and then lost at home to an awful Cleveland Browns team. It gets worse, in Week 3 against Pittsburgh they are 10.5 point underdogs…at home! It gets even worse, a huge Sunday Night Football matchup against the Steelers was the hottest ticket in town before the season, now Stubhub is flooded with $30 seats to the game, which seems like a bargain because there is a good chance you’ll see Kerry Collins die on the field.

Q – Questionable. The Houston Texans are 2-0, but nobody cares because Arian Foster is not getting any fantasy points and there are definitely more football fans in the country who wasted a first-round pick on Foster than there Texans fans. Foster was questionable for Week 2 when he ran for only 33 yards before pulling himself out of the game. He is likely going to be listed as questionable again this week, but it doesn’t really matter because you're probably already 0-2 in your league and the butt of all jokes pertaining to said league.

R – Roast. The long-awaited Charlie Sheen Roast ended up being a chance to see Mike Tyson drunk in public for 60 minutes. Tyson had a few good lines, telling Jeff Ross his standup was so bad he wanted to bite his own ears off. However, the highlights were everyone else’s digs at Tyson. MacFarlane said he could beat anything except the letter S. Ross said the most ironic thing about Tyson's career is that of all the faces he bashed, Tyson fucked up his own face the worst with that tattoo. He said Tyson's opponents spent more time bleeding in the corner than Charlie Sheen's ex-wives.

S – Statutory Gambling. In this week's edition of statutory gambling, 5Dimes offers up point spreads on five high school football games. Some of the games include Colerain, Ohio giving seven points to Middletown, Ohio, and an ESPN2 Friday night showdown between De La Salle, California and St. Thomas Aquinas, Florida who is –2. If it’s not bad enough wagering on high school kids, you can kick it up a notch and wager on a Catholic high school.  

T- Towson vs. Terrapins. In a move sure to anger Maryland officials and please its own fans, the Towson athletic department returned its allotment of seats for its upcoming game against the Terrapins in Maryland. Instead Towson is urging its fans (all two dozen of them) to buy cheaper tickets online. Through Maryland, tickets are $38 for face value, on Stubhub and eBay, some tickets are selling for $3-$4. I blame the Maryland uniforms for this.

U – US Presidential Election. For the first time since Obama took the office, the Democrats and Republicans have equal odds to win the 2012 US Presidential Election. On Bodog both the Democrats and Republican are listed at -115 to prevail in November.

V – Vick,  Mike. The difference between Mike Vick and Mike Kafka was evident on “Sunday Night Football:” one can run and throw the other can't do either. The difference in compensation between Vick and Kafka reflects this.  Kafka will make $450,000 this year. Vick's weekly paychecks are $982,352.

W – Winnipeg Blue Bombers. If you are tired of all the blowouts in the NFL this year, then move to Canada. In this week's CFL action, the four favorites are favored by a combined 5.5 points. To put that into perspective the San Diego Chargers are favored by 4.5…in the FIRST QUARTER against the Chiefs. The biggest CFL favorite of the weekend is the Winnipeg Blue Bombers, who are giving three points on the road against the Toronto Argonauts.

X – “X Factor”. There is a new reality show out there and thanks to Bodog there is a reason to watch it. You can wager on which judge will win American “X Factor,” Simon Cowell (+150), Paula Abdul (+300), Nicole Scherzinger (+300) or L.A. Reid (+300). You can also wager on its ratings, on where Simon and Paula kiss (lips or cheek) and gender of the winner.

Y – bYu. An Arby's fast food joint in Provo, Utah (the home of BYU) claims it was a complete coincidence that its latest promotion appeared to be an obvious dart tossed at the Cougars football team. The local Arby’s marquee read” “BRING IN BYU STUB FOR A FREE TURNOVER.” It just so happened BYU turned the ball over SEVEN TIMES in an embarrassing 54-10 loss to Utah on Saturday.

Z – Zebras. The NFL officials at the Giants/Rams dud of a Monday Night Football game were helpless as the G-Men turned into European soccer players, flopping around the field to slow down Sam Bradford. I’m all about doing whatever it takes to win, but if you have to cheat to slow down the St. Louis Rams offense, your defense has some issues.